


Tell Your Story Walking

by Caffiends, tzigane



Series: The Mischief In Me [2]
Category: Haven - Fandom
Genre: F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-21
Updated: 2013-12-21
Packaged: 2018-01-05 08:11:19
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,434
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1091615
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Caffiends/pseuds/Caffiends, https://archiveofourown.org/users/tzigane/pseuds/tzigane
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>No matter how long he lived in Haven, Duke Crocker would never actually be able to believe the shit that went on in and around his hometown. It wasn't that he hadn't lived through totally unrealistic crap for way too long, it was just that it seemed to keep getting more and more completely unbelievable.</p><p>The fact that there was a guy standing on Main Street in the full sunlight putting off sparkles like a damned frosted Christmas ornament was pretty high on the list.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Tell Your Story Walking

**Author's Note:**

  * For [randomling](https://archiveofourown.org/users/randomling/gifts).



No matter how long he lived in Haven, Duke Crocker would never actually be able to believe the shit that went on in and around his hometown. It wasn't that he hadn't lived through totally unrealistic crap for way too long, it was just that it seemed to keep getting more and more completely unbelievable.

The fact that there was a guy standing on Main Street in the full sunlight putting off sparkles like a damned frosted Christmas ornament was pretty high on the list.

The additional fact that he knew what he was seeing was something he wouldn't admit on his deathbed with a gun held to his head and a complete lunatic's finger on the trigger.

He knew what it was, and he didn't know how to say it or how to articulate it, only that the law needed to get involved to put that abomination out of its misery.

Preferably before they had a bunch of Italian vampires stalking through the streets of Haven.

By the time Audrey and Nathan managed to get there, the thing had decided discretion was the better part of valor and had legged it, so the only things he had were his own account of what he'd seen and a bunch of eye witnesses who were somewhere between boggled and vaguely happy in their pants at the idea that sparkly vampires were real.

After she'd heard what he'd seen, it was pretty clear that Audrey had the same crappy reading habits as he did, even if he wouldn't admit it. "Well, crap."

"You want to let us in on just what the hell that was?" He didn't lay it on too thick, just flustered and confused.

The way she blushed was cute. Cute enough that, if they hadn't been worried about fictional characters with bloodlust stomping around Haven, he'd have leered and herded both of them back towards the Gull, or the Cape Rouge, considering which one was closer. "Uh..."

"C'mon, Parker. You clearly know something." Nathan looked at her, and then turned his laser gaze on Duke. Well, crap. "So does Duke here, even if he's too embarrassed to admit it."

"I'm not embarrassed." He was the suave metrosexual let it all hang out one, but there was shame and then there was _Shame_. "I'm just. Confused."

Audrey huffed. "Look. We can't all be ashamed and confused, so you're going to have to be the one to explain it. I just... No."

Well, crap. Crap, and Nathan's mouth was beginning to twitch upwards. "Yeah, Duke. So why don't you explain it to me."

"It's shitty romance movie vampires," he protested, grudgingly offering that. "That's all. In reality, where they don't belong."

Christ, that. That look right there. "Romance movie vampires." Worse, he had to put up with it, because he'd done shitty things to Nathan when they were kids, and also he wanted to get laid sometime this month. "And you know this because..."

"Because," Audrey said, "everybody in the world knows this but you, so let's get... You know, there's no way we're going to find that thing. I think we should just... I have no idea."

"Stake it when we find it? We'd be heroes if we did..." Never mind the part about where it came from.

"Seems to me," Nathan drawled, "it's moving too fast to find. Besides, can you stake the sparkly kind?"

Crap. "I'm just not up to ripping off something's head, Duke," came Audrey's dry opinion.

"Fine. Do you think we might be able to stick a GPS tracker on it?" He shoved his hands into his pockets.

"Pretty sure it was moving too fast to get anything on it from the sound of things." Nathan smirked. "But I guess we'll know to look for sparkly people if somebody starts draining the town's blood supply before folks have actually volunteered it."

Well, crap. He lifted his hands in the air, and made a gesture of defeat. "My work here is done. Call me when it gets interesting again." With that declaration, he turned to march himself right along to the Gull. He had business to tend to, business that was a great deal less humiliating than confessing to his reading habits.

If it came up again, he was totally going to lie like hell.

* * *

After the famous serial killer, Hansel and Gretel all grown up, and then Hobbits, Audrey got the idea that maybe the library was the problem.

The thing of it was, they were all books. Some of them were good books, even, but cannibalistic serial killers weren't good even if they were fictional.

"Maybe we can track a pattern if we check the ones we know against the library's records." Audrey seemed pretty upbeat about it.

Nathan frowned, considering it. "More likely whoever it is has their own copies. I mean, used books are worth their weight in gold to some people."

"Why, are you our reader?" Duke asked, looking sideways at him. "It's weird and varied, right? And it's not like we have a really bitching bookstore in town."

He already knew the answer. The books on Nathan's side of the bed tended to be nonfiction augmented by a preposterous number of political and true crime novels. "Because you can pick up hardbacks for a penny plus shipping online, Duke."

"Look," Audrey declared. "We'll just start with the obvious and go from there, okay? If we can't figure something out at the library then we'll just have to come up with something else."

"It's a trouble," Duke pointed out. "These things tend to follow... A little logic. Sort of." He at least wanted to try, to investigate just to make that nervous feeling that crazy could strike at any moment go away.

The library was quiet and it smelled of books. Most people would take a look at Duke and assume he'd never picked up a book in his life. They'd be wrong. The smell of old books was seductive. It smelled like freedom, freedom from his father and from all of the things people thought about him. He didn't just speak a handful of other languages; he'd been fascinated by other cultures, too, and ok. He also read trashy novels, but he wasn't the only one. At least he could mostly hide it by stacking them next to Audrey's.

Audrey had no shame in her reading, or the wild variety of it, from crime dramas to bodice rippers to codpiece rippers to space operas to he didn't know what with magical realism that seemed too close to home some days.

"I'll start with the paperwork part of it..." She veered for the help desk.

Nathan stood there for a moment and then slid his gaze sideways to Duke. "Well," he said slowly, the sound filled with amusement. "I guess we should check the stacks and see what it is people are reading."

"You should broaden your horizons." Duke shoved his hands deeper into his pockets, and took a side step, looking over to the stacks. "I wonder if you'll turn into a sea monster if I pick one up."

That, that was a leer, pure and unmistakable. On anyone else, it would be called little more than a twitch of lip, but on Nathan it was an entirely different matter. "I dunno. Might do. Expect you're hoping for tentacles."

"Gotta set my sights somewhere. Coming right out of the stacks at you, Nate..." Duke waved his fingers as they started to check the place out.

For the most part, it was a pretty typical library. New books were up front and the older ones were neatly organized and labelled. There was a section towards the back filled with lurid paperbacks and a room filled with books for kids that had bright carpets and small chairs. All in all, it was pretty typical until they reached the genealogy library, and that was where things got... Well. Weird.

It wasn't that it was weird weird. There weren't any tentacles, but there were two schoolboys, older, making out with each other. They were wearing costumes that he knew from movies, and there was a brief horrifying moment where he realized that he was watching PG-13 Harry Potter Porn as the two boys leaned up against a bookshelf.

"Well." Nathan didn't seem to know what to say, so at least Duke didn't have to feel alone in his sense of shock. "I'm pretty sure that wasn't in the movies. I think I would have noticed. Doesn't that look kind of like the blond kid who...?"

"Huh?" He wasn't sure, not right off, because he didn't keep tabs on the town's brats unless they had a little criminal element to their grubby little hearts.

"Yeah, you know. From that movie. Kind of blond and... pointy." Oh-ho, and Nathan was hiding something, Nathan was clearly a secret fan of Harry Potter, and that meant he knew more than he was saying. "Maybe they're just... Um."

"You've watched Harry Potter!" He was loud enough to startle the two making out kids, but that was going to be the best blackmail material ever.

"Shut up," Nathan muttered, and the two kids in their robes and ties were looking at one another in something like horror.

The blond one was the first to pull himself together. "We will never speak of this again."

"Wait, what?" The brunette looked startled, and then looked around, seeming to snap out of it, too.

At least that was something -- the people they were running across were fictional, sure, but it seemed like maybe it was a Trouble that pulled in real people, and that was par for the course. Haven's Troubles were a pain in the ass, and they very rarely worked only in the fictional world.

That serial killer thing probably bore a great deal of looking into, and he could see when the notion floated across behind Nathan's eyes, too. "This can only end badly," Nathan mourned as the two teenagers took off in opposite directions.

"This, the Trouble, or this, what we just saw?" Duke asked as he took a step backwards and gestured at the now empty space. Time to find Audrey, though, no questions.

He didn't seem to need long to come up with an answer. "Either one." Yeah, that was pretty accurate.

"All the more reason to get out of the book stacks," Duke countered, reaching a hand out to pull at Nathan's arm.

He didn't resist, and so they made their way back to the help desk, carefully being sure not to notice anything as they went along the way, such as the fact that going in opposite directions and agreeing not to talk about it again didn't seem to stop the Neville Longbottom and Draco Malfoy lookalikes from stumbling over one another in a dark corner and going back to making out.

"The world," Nathan declared, "is a dark and lonely place."

"I'll remind you of that often." He lifted a hand in hello to Audrey a they approached the help desk. "Hey, how's it going?"

From the looks of things, not so great. "Apparently we've been asked to come back with a warrant."

"I'm sorry," the librarian blurted, pushing his glasses more firmly onto the bridge of his nose. "But we have privacy policies."

"So private there's two kids dressed as Harry Potter characters making out," Duke quipped, tapping the desk lightly. "Thanks."

At least Nathan didn't add anything to it. Clearly Duke decided, he needed to eyeball Nathan's browser history, if only for the opportunity to tease him.

"We'll be back with a warrant." Audrey's expression was serious, doubtless enough to make lesser men fall beneath the cutting swathe of those baby blues.

Unfortunately for all of them, the librarian (Rhett, that was his name. Rhett Butler, and okay, wow, that was kind of cruel, how had he even forgotten that?) was apparently not a lesser man. "I'll be waiting."

The urge to counter with _You just wait, buddy!_ was immense, but he waved the guy off like he was nothing but a dude with a horribly unlucky name, and moved to shadow his two angry LEOs to the door.

After all. They'd get a warrant and come back.

What could possibly go wrong?

* * *

Waking up in a tangle of limbs was pretty much Duke's thing these days. Some mornings more than others, depending on who ended up in the middle the night before.

Waking up in early nineteenth century morning garb, on the other hand, wasn't exactly his thing. Never mind the horse. Hell, never mind Nathan astride a bay with a white blaze on its chest not a dozen feet away from him. Just... what the fuck?

He remained still, disoriented for a moment as he edged his horse forward, and started to look for Audrey. "We need to find her! Get moving, Featherstone!"

"Moving won't help if we trample over the tracks, Tavistock." Yeah, okay, clearly crappy romance novel names went with the horses, and both of them were kind of wild around the eyes. Then again, those two guys at the library had gone from making out to _doing it_ in the lavatory according to gossip, and that was after they had an idea of what was going on.

They were so fucked.

Fucking hell. He twisted he reigns in his hands, and looked around them, trying to reorient. "Just ride forward."

"And be responsible for losing her?" Christ, Nathan was a truculent bastard even when they were in a damned historical romance. "Look. This way."

As if he knew anything more about tracking people than Duke did. They'd been born on the damned water, not brought up in Davy Crockett's footsteps.

Duke the Duke. How wrong was that? "Not. Seeing it."

"Because you aren't looking." Yeah, yeah. "Follow me." And then he was off, and clearly Nathan was pretty good on a horse. Duke gritted his teeth and followed.

He didn't even know where the horse had come from. If he was going to steal a horse, he wanted to at least be aware of it so he could cover his tracks and work out if the horse was going to a slaughterhouse or a racetrack.

Duke really hoped this one was gonna be a racetrack type of horse.

Clearly Nathan's was, because he was jumping over logs, doing bizarre things with the reins that got him into stupidly tight spaces. Hell, Duke was doing a bit of that, too, and it was frankly just insane, but there it was, and then... thank god, there was a cabin.

He didn't know who owned it, just desperately hoped that they didn't own a shotgun or that it wasn't occupied as they made their way to it. "All this open ground, that has to be it." He hoped it was, anyway. Hoped like hell, and they were both off of their horses and stalking towards the cabin. 

It shouldn't have been much of a shock when the door opened in front of them and Audrey stood there looking pissed in a much too gorgeous dress and something that looked like handkerchiefs binding her wrists together.

What a mess.

"Are you unharmed?" He felt his voice pitch down, low, goofily low, as he approached her with his dagger drawn to cut the handkerchief.

Oh, yeah. That look was classic Audrey. "Seriously, you guys? Seriously? Okay, I have... no idea how this is working, because I? I am not usually affected, so I'm going to blame it on both of you."

Yeah, that made him feel sheepish, but clearly it didn't do much else. It sure as hell didn't help Nathan any, either. "Miss Stanhope!" Of course. Of course it would be some crappy romance novel name. God. "You are well."

"Yeah, statin' the obvious there, boys."

"We need to get you out of this horrible place." Never mind that as far as rentals in the woods went, it was pretty swank, and no type of abandoned at all.

Audrey's expression said as much, and she rolled her eyes. "Yeah, before..."

Great. That was thunder. On a clear day.

Could this get any worse?

"Come, Miss Stanhope. We should try to get you back to civilization before it rains."

Or they could sanely wait it out, but Duke felt himself twisting and moving against his will, reaching out to snag her by the waist. He managed it about five seconds before Nathan, who promptly ground his teeth so hard that Duke thought he might want to be more careful. Hell, he couldn't feel it, and Duke liked Nathan's pearly whites right where they were.

"I'm going to kill you both," Audrey declared thoughtfully as Duke began to nudge his horse forwards. "Painfully and slowly. And then I'm gonna find that librarian because I'm pretty sure I saw a book at his elbow and this dress was on the front of it."

"I think you took a blow to the head!" He laughed, heartily, clutching onto her tightly because maybe one of them knew how to ride a horse.

Nathan's voice was sharp behind them, loud over the sound of the horses' hooves. "We should check to be sure. Also, I sincerely doubt we're going to beat the storm back to civilization."

"We need a place to shelter." Like the sane clean house they were staying away from.

"No," Audrey said. "Seriously. I'm killing both of you and that guy at the library if..."

Crack of thunder, lightning, and there it was. Rain from a clear sky, drenching all of them. Duke could feel Audrey shiver and could see through the thin material of the dress in a way that was very interesting.

"Damn it."

"Back to the cabin!" Nathan called over the sound of the rain.

Back to the cabin, duh, jackass, but Duke kept quiet and reared his horse around to ride back to the cabin.

Audrey was shivering and so were both of them, cold puffs of breath misting into the air. It was goddamned mid-summer. Sometimes, Duke hated Haven.

"Inside," Nathan encouraged, getting off of his horse. "I think I saw a shed around back. I'll stable the horses."

"I'll guard the perimeter from the inside." Madness, but at least Nathan was handling the horses and they were unlikely to kill themselves with whatever he rigged up.

Most likely.

The inside of the cabin, as it turned out, was freezing. There was a fireplace and enough wood to scramble together something like a fire, and very little else. A pile of blankets, and he coughed before making a delicate suggestion. "Miss Stanhope, perhaps you would be better served to be done with your wet clothing and wrap yourself in a blanket."

"Oh for... Really? I have no words."

"I know this has been extremely shocking for you, m'lady, but you know you're safe with the earl and me."

Oh, that was a dirty look of epic proportions. "Clearly."

Clearly, and when Nathan stepped in, he was drenched and shivering and Duke had to appreciate the sight of those perky nipples through the wetness of his shirt. His teeth were chattering, and so Duke began to work more seriously at the fire.

"Nathan? My god, you're freezing. This is so stupid, come here."

"Come, the fire is finally warming," he offered, twisting a little to linger a bit longer in his looking at them. "Both of you."

Audrey's mouth quirked into a particularly dirty sort of leer. "And I suppose we need to get off all of these wet clothes."

Well. She definitely knew him. He'd been two steps from making the offer anyway.

"Miss St-tanhope," Nathan offered as though by way of protest. "Y-y..."

Her fingers were already on the buttons at the back of her dress. "Yeah, I know. This probably isn't the way the book ends, but I say we go for it."

"I, You..." He felt caught a little, but he knew what to do with Audrey naked, knew what to do when she was, when any of them, were in the mood.

Duke knew it was always a pain in the ass to take off wet clothes, but he was good at it. Nathan was the only one there looking awkward, as if this clearly was exactly the opposite of the way things were supposed to go. Audrey took advantage of that and moved right in, her dress pooled on the floor. "C'mon, Nathan. It's all right."

It had been a hell of a fancy dress to come off that quick, and it left him wondering if it was Trouble related or just a woman trick. "Come closer and avail yourself of warmth."

"Dear god. I'm not sure I can manage orgasms if you keep that up."

Yeah, but Nathan was stripping with her help and Duke knew how things would go once they were all naked. The fire was starting to put out something like actual warmth, and Duke spread the blanket out on the floor in front of it, just close enough for comfort.

"Miss Stan..."

Her finger landed on Nathan's mouth. "Audrey." Yes, and Nathan sucked that finger right into his mouth. God, but Duke hoped there was magical lube somewhere nearby.

He still knew what to do naked, but he hoped this didn't end up with some bizarre romance novel pathology like rutting or, or, he didn't know.

Then again, it could still all end very badly.

Once Nathan was undressed, it seemed fair to start without him. Duke managed to shimmy off his wet trousers, and when he tossed them onto the pile of clothing he'd already managed to get off, he realized a small jar had tumbled loose from an inner pocket of his jacket.

Thank god for romance novels having magical lube when necessary.

"This..." He wanted to call it magical lube, but his mouth stopped working and he held it out dramatically for Audrey.

Yeah. He loved that look like nobody's business. "Well, since you brought the party favors, I guess that means you get to be in the middle. What do you think, Nathan?"

There was a delirious shine in Nathan's gaze, and his mouth curled. "Why, I think a true gentleman would never argue with the desires of a lady."

"I would never say no to you, Miss Stanhope." And like it was a hardship, when they were all naked and all they needed to do was stretch out on nice warm blankets.

He was accustomed to them now; to the tangle of their legs, the awkward sharpness of Nathan's elbows, to the way Audrey curled her cold toes against the backs of his knees. No fiction-related Trouble could even begin to change that, and so he slid into the blankets on the other side of Audrey and leaned in for a kiss before he stole one from Nathan, too.

They'd gotten through their awkward about shit stage damn quick, and he knew what to do now to make Audrey moan while he tried to keep focused on what Nathan was doing.

She was soft against him, not like Nathan's sharp angles, but god, he loved both of those things. Loved it when Audrey kissed him, when she turned and wrapped an arm around him and groped his ass thoroughly. Groped his ass and made him wish those blankets were furs instead, something more luxurious. He kissed her again, and leaned back to slide a hand over Nathan, trying to hook a leg around him.

It worked pretty well, mostly because they _were_ used to one another now, knew all the right things and all the wrong ones. He didn't imagine that this would end up as one of the kinky athletic episodes, but it could damn sure fool him. It felt good, rocking between them and trying to keep himself moving between them both. Nathan got a hold of the lube, and hell yes that was a good idea.

That was the best idea, and he moaned, shifting a knee higher up Audrey's thigh to get better positioned, to let Nathan's fingers in, and holy fuck that was good. Plus, at least sex didn't seem to have weird crotch novel dialogue involved.

"Uhmph, my lord, are you up to another ride so soon after the other one..." He sort of wished he'd never thought about the sex dialogue.

Duke didn't want to open his mouth. He was afraid of what might fall out of it. "Aye, if you think you can manage two riders."

Audrey groaned. "I don't need saving from anything except the way you two are talking."

"We don't mean to scandalize you..." He had a hand on one boob, and twisted his hips back against Nathan's hand.

"You couldn't scandalize me if you were both trying," she laughed, pushing herself against Duke's thigh and then gasping at the pleasure of it. "Oh, Nathan..." Or at something else, clearly.

He wanted her to be going _Oh, Duke_ ; apparently it wasn't to be in the cards, but he could keep kissing her. Kissing her, stroking her, and she made the best sounds, sounds that he found himself echoing when Nathan's fingers slid deeper, when one turned into two and two turned into three, and god, that was good. So good he lost focus a little, holding onto Audrey and rubbing against her in counterpoint to pushing his ass back against Nathan's fingers.

"C'mon," Audrey encouraged, and she was pushing them, pulling them, getting them into position. Neither of them objected, either, because a man would have to be stupid to object to her hand on his dick, to the way her fingers curled around Duke's hip as she pushed him into kneeling over Nathan, slid the slick length of cock into position and then... waited. Waited for them to move on their own, and god. Duke was not so stupid as to object. All he could think as he started to lower his ass down to Nathan's dick was that he was doing a reverse cowgirl with their girlfriend watching, and he couldn't even ride a horse.

Fuck, but it was good. Nathan's dick wasn't so thick it was unpleasant, and it was long enough that it hit all the right spots in all of the right ways. Duke couldn't help giving an appreciative groan when he managed to take in all of him, nor could he help the shudder of pleasure that worked through him. He could hear the noise Nathan gave and the way it mingled with his own, and the way Audrey watched was frankly hungry.

"God, you two look amazing."

"M'lady...." Fuck, fuck that was making talking a pain, but he rolled his hips back and then rose up slowly. Fuck. Fuck, and Nathan's hands were on his hips, guiding him, keeping him from rising up too far, and he knew then that their Troubled person must be one horny bastard because sparkly romance vampires and Harry Potter fanfiction and racy novel threesomes. He wasn't going to consider the cannibal thing. It was a hell of a lot better to ride Nathan and shake with the pleasure of it, appreciate the way Audrey was watching them, fingers on the slick folds of her own damp flesh, and Duke couldn't resist. He wanted her close, wanted his mouth on her and fuck, but Nathan shifted and he saw stars.

Orgasm hit him hard and fast and completely unexpected because he hadn't been that revved up at all -- even if it felt like the best orgasm of his life, shuddering through his spine as he gasped, "Horny bastard!"

Yeah. He'd have to explain that later, but for now?

For now, he was going to appreciate the fact that this Trouble at least seemed to be accompanied by sexual bliss.

* * *

After that, they'd gotten the warrant. Thank God that most of the local judges didn't usually flinch when Audrey came in with a search warrant and a certain look in her eyes, because Duke's ass was still kind of sore; apparently, that particular novel had involved a great deal of acrobatic and improbable sex with threesomes.

Audrey had still been smiling when they woke up, and the horses had somehow managed to find their way back to wherever they came from. Trouble magic was weird like that. It either tidied itself up, or it left a trail of bodies and missing folks in its wake. A or B, never much in between, and never mind that they almost had probable cause (in his sage opinion) to drag the librarian off to a cell.

Rhett Butler started scowling before they'd even gotten through the door good. "I told you...."

"That we'd need a warrant," Audrey interrupted smoothly. "I understand. As it happens, we do have one, but we really don't need it, right?" That smile was charming. Duke knew from experience that the outer charm was hiding a needle sharp follow-up. "How long has your family been Troubled, Mr. Butler?"

He hesitated, and then pulled a face at her that looked like he was both actually thinking about it and thinking how to get away without answering.

“Look, it’s pretty obvious that you’ve got… a book thing going on. And a lively fantasy life,” Duke offered.

Yeah, that blush right there. It was as good as a big red stamp marking _GUILTY_ right across the guy's face. "I don't know what you're talking about."

Audrey's eyebrows rose. "Sparkly vampires? Harry Potter lookalikes having a quick bang in the library restrooms? Romance novel threesomes from some amorphous historical periods? Although..." She slowed down thoughtfully. "I'm guessing the Thomas Harris novels aren't your usual fare."

“But we need to talk to you about getting this under control before you start inflicting serious damage around here.” Nathan’s voice was flat, angry, concerned, which was better than lilty and daffy when he’d been in romance novel mode.

Hell, Duke was still lilty and daffy, just a little. Also sore as hell, but hey. He'd enjoyed every minute of it.

"There's no controlling it," Butler admitted finally, miserably. "And it's not like I can just quit my job."

Audrey cleared her throat. "Have you maybe tried not reading before you go to sleep?"

Huh.

He wasn't even sure how she had jumped to that conclusion. Buried deep in her research, maybe, and there was no telling if it would work or not, but it was worth trying. Or at least asking about. 

The way the guy blinked said a lot. "How do you know I read before I sleep?"

"Doesn't everybody?"

Nathan's response was dry as the Sahara. "No."

"Have you tried watching like.... _Cops_?" He tilted his head slightly, grinning sideways at Nathan. "Boring nightly news?"

Audrey cleared her throat. "Maybe _Cops_ isn't the best suggestion there, Duke."

The lost expression on Rhett Butler's face was just... man. It really did kind of suck. "I don't know what to do."

For a second, Duke thought they were all kind of at a loss, and then Nathan leaned against the desk with a hip and offered a single word. "Music."

"Music." Duke looked at him. "Seriously? Music?"

"Maybe orchestral," Audrey agreed. "The whole town can't dance around like your puppets forever."

The librarian didn't seem like he thought it was a great idea. "Or worse, they'll start dancing." Well, there was that possibility.

"The least you can do is try." That was true, too. "Maybe it'll work."

Or maybe there'd be a full-scale production of _Guys and Dolls_ tomorrow. Whatever.

"It's worth a shot," Audrey offered. "Bach. Beethoven."

Rhett gave a heavy sigh. "Okay, okay. I'll try it. Can't hurt to try, right?"

He was pretty familiar with that hopeful look, the one that bordered on _maybe this will work_ and intersected somewhere along the way with _god knows what we'll do if it doesn't_ land. "Exactly."

It couldn't be worse than finding himself on a horse in the middle of nowhere when he woke up, anyway.

Could it?

* * *

Audrey made a hell of a Valkyrie, but Duke was pretty sure that Nathan had never wanted to be part of a funeral pyre, and that was when the fantasy had snapped apart. Brun-Audrey had splashed through the water howling murder and they all had a moment to realize they were in the town swimming pool before deciding that Rhett's music definitely needed to be non-vocal.

Maybe he should try Beethoven next.

* * *

Beethoven was a miserable failure, as it turned out. Reenactments of _Immortal Beloved_ left Nathan grinding his teeth, but he sure had looked pretty in drag.

Still, Duke hadn't liked being The Late Dude again. Why were people always deciding he was the lazy fuckup? Some things just weren't fair in life, but that was just the way things were. Life isn't fair, his dad had always told him. Suck it up.

At least it was still getting them all laid.

* * *

"Well," Audrey panted, dishrag limp even as she eyed Duke and Nathan where they still knelt, skin highlighted by leather straps, chains, and very little else. "At least we can all admit that the sex is fantastic."

Duke was pretty sure their chorused, "Yes, mistress," didn't make her feel one damned bit guilty, either.

* * *

Werewolves. Fucking werewolves, and mating urges, and goddammit. This was getting old fast. Life might not be fair, but seriously, his ass wasn't tough enough for this kind if shit.

Never mind the fact that Audrey has pointed out to them that they weren't really stuck together.

"Look, we have to -- this is clearly this dude masturbating, and if we don't solve it stat, I'm going to bury him alive somewhere."

Face down, with his mouth stuffed full of garlic.

Just in case.

"Who needs masturbation fantasies like these? I mean." Nathan waved a hand. In anyone else, it'd be understated. In Nathan, it was practically a flail. "Funeral pyres are not sexy!"

Audrey bit her lip. "At least it seems to have focused on us. I mean, the rest of the town isn't involved in this mess for once. Most of the time." Never mind the Viking thing and the torches.

"That's because he thinks we're hot. We're sexy times for him, and he's shifted focus to us," Duke declared, feeling it dawn on him because yeah suddenly they were game. Once they'd met him.

"I have no idea how to even start fixing this," Nathan grumbled. "Feed him saltpeter?"

Audrey scoffed. "That's an old wives' tale."

"Said with the voice of someone who's tried it." Duke ran a towel through his wet hair; there was still a persistent hallucination that he was shedding. Complete madness for which they needed a solution. "I know it's hard to keep a secret in this town, but I'm still all for murder, or buying him a hooker."

That thought flipped a light switch in the back of his head, and wow. He should have thought about that before now. He even knew the right person.

"He gets that look," Nathan offered, voice fake-confidential. "Like a lightbulb going off somewhere back behind his eyes."

"Haha. What if we find the loser a girlfriend or something?" Duke waved a hand from side to side.

Yeah, that look. That was an interesting look right there. "Could work," Audrey mulled.

"Could be a complete disaster," Nathan replied.

"So has everything else we've tried so far. And they weren't all just _my_ bright ideas."

It was true, and he watched as Audrey shrugged. "Well, it can't hurt, right?"

Now they just needed to find some poor fucking victim to set up with the librarian.... and Duke had the perfect person in mind.

* * *

"You've gotta be kidding," Audrey mumbled, eyeing the woman sitting at the table outside of the coffee shop. "I. She's."

"Out of his league?" Duke waggled his eyebrows. "She has bad taste in men. Trust me."

Nathan snorted. "She'd have to."

Ouch. That hurt. "Shut up, Nathan. Duke's our taste in men, stop teasing."

At least he had the sense to look chastened. "Sorry."

"Nah, he teases because he loves. Or he'd better." Duke winked, and turned to look at the girl again. "It's perfect. Trust me."

Nathan shifted awkwardly and glanced back over his shoulder. Rhett was back there, looking like a nervous wreck, and seriously. It was no wonder he was only having fun with himself. "It just seems so..."

"Weird," Audrey agreed. The whole thing. The sun hat, the white and green dress, the black hair and red lips, and okay, yes, but it was still utterly perfect.

Perfect for them, the weirdest literary named pair he'd ever seen, but hell, Rhett and Scarlett were kind of a match made in hell, and Duke had found her clingy.

Maybe clingy was just what he needed.

"This will never work," Rhett moped. "Never."

"Come on, it might work." The fact that Audrey could only come up with that hopeful response was kind of horrible.

"Just get out there and say hi or else you'll forever be the shithead who stood her up," Duke warned, putting a hand on his back before shoving him forward.

Watching it was... Okay, kind of awkward. Rhett was a librarian, and Scarlett was Scarlett, but Duke had known her for a long time and he knew when she leaned in close and rubbed her lovely red-painted toes against Rhett's ankle that it was working.

Hooked, line and sinker. Duke leaned back, and gave Nathan a thumbs up.

Now they just had to wait and see.

* * *

Two weeks later and things were still okay. No more funeral pyres, no more werewolves, no more sparkly vampires. It was kind of disappointing and also kind of a relief.

"At least," Duke declared, watching Rhett and Scarlett with satisfaction, "it wasn't werehorses this time."

Nathan gave a faint sound if dismay. "You realize you've doomed us with that statement, right?"

Audrey sighed. "Just another week in Haven. Why don't you boys join me upstairs for a while? The thing with the leather and chains at least made up for a lot of it. We could try that a little more."

With a shrug and a smug grin, Duke looked at Nathan. "I'm game if you are."

"Well." Nathan considered. "You're right about one thing."

"What's that?" Duke began to follow Audrey out the door.

"At least it's not werehorses."

They all ignored the whinnying in the wind. Some things, it was better not to see.

Especially in Haven.


End file.
